There have been a million thoughts and emotions running through me in the past week since leaving Hoi An. I haven’t figured out where to start… do I focus on one thing, everything, or nothing at all? How much of myself and my life should I continue to share with the world? I still don’t have an answer… so I’ll do what I’ve always done, go with my gut. Do what feels right, right now in this moment. And right now I’m sitting in a coffee shop in Cambodia on a rainy afternoon, finally ready to lay it all on the table—to sort out what’s going on in my mind and hopefully clear up some misunderstandings for those on the outside looking in. I’m pausing this blog to clear the air, regroup and continue so we’re all (hopefully) on the same page moving forward.
Letting my guard down with some pure, unfiltered honesty here in a stream of consciousness. Please continue with that in mind. And grab a cup of coffee or tea… or wine depending on your time zone, as this will be on the long and heavy side.
There were some harsh comments on the last post. And I’m sure there were many more of you thinking the same but didn’t express it. I’m not here to defend myself or my actions, but rather to let you in a bit more so you understand where I am coming from. Not because I can’t handle criticism… that kind of criticism has no affect on how I think/act/live. I was sad to read some of your words but not because I took it personally (I know better after 5 years of blogging, it’s not for the faint of heart, especially when you open up). It’s because my goal—aside from documenting this journey for myself and my future—is to reach others in a positive way, to connect and promote some sort of knowledge or change for the better, even in the smallest sense.
There’s enough negativity in the world and it’s collectively bringing us down together. We’re the most advanced species on earth, evolving over millions of years, yet we are destroying each other in so many ways. From one negative thought or comment to war and genocide and everything in between. It’s heartbreaking because we are capable of rising above that—deep down we all want the same thing. I’m not trying to solve the world’s problems or become the next Mother Teresa, but I can at least hope to influence those around me and do my part to improve it using whatever resources I have. I’ve witnessed enough here in Vietnam in the last week to feel sickened to be part of the human race and yet so completely connected with every living, breathing soul at the same time. Behind it all, we are all existing as one—call it God, call it Being, Enlightenment, the Unmanifested or whatever you’d like. It’s there and it’s within us.
Back to Earth for a second… I’d like to offer clarity to something in particular that has been bothering me.
It’s important to remember that the stories I’m sharing, the experiences I’ve lived through and the decisions I’ve made have been through a very different mindset than I was in months ago. Not only because I’ve grown and changed as a person, but because of my environment. A third world country in Asia is different than life in America in so many ways. You have to adapt and change the way you live, which means making different decisions than you normally would back home. Some people travel simply to check a box off their bucket list or as a way to escape normal life. They stay in their comfort zone with nice accommodations, interact only with those they can understand and are familiar with, stick to the safe and well traveled/touristy sights, and leave satisfied, resuming normal life the way they left it. And that is completely fine. But I didn’t travel across the world just to see things I’ve seen and heard about from everyone else. I’ll find that too, but I want to go beyond the surface and assimilate into new cultures, learn from them, live how they live and feel what they feel. To actually understand them, which in turn will deepen my own understanding of the world.
Some of my favorite memories so far have been from these glimpses into a different life that we are so far removed from. Just like I want to connect with you, as readers, it’s equally as important to connect to those around me here—even with the barriers of language and culture and all of the unknowns. I am opening myself up to new experiences every day, then opening myself up to you to describe those experiences in the best way that I can.
Sometimes things get lost in translation and I can only blame myself for not being able to communicate as well as I’d like to. It’s a constant work in progress, and I appreciate you taking the time to read my words and trying to put yourself in my situation. I just ask that you read this with an open mind, knowing that I am doing the best I can and listening to my intuition—I can’t do anything else.
Here’s one specific example: someone made a remark about “accepting rides from people I don’t know”—I mentioned this briefly before but for those of you who are under this impression, let me elaborate. Transportation in much of Southeast Asia is nothing like America, or most westernized nations for that matter. You don’t need a license and certification to become a cab driver—you don’t even need to have a license or be of a certain age to drive, period. You do what you can to survive and provide for your family, and if you have a means of transportation, that becomes your livelihood. Anyone with a motorbike can be found on the sidewalk, offering to take you anywhere you need to go for under $2. Yes, you can wait for a cab who will take twice as long to get there and charge you double, but they aren’t any more trustworthy and motorbikes are the most common and preferred way to get around, and essential to everyday life here. Of course I’d never hop on a random motorbike offering to give me a ride back at home… but this is not America. Different situations call for different decisions.
On that note, so much of every day life here is nothing like what we’re accustomed to. What we know as logical scenarios and behaviors don’t exist in the same way here. Even in larger cities, much of everyday life is carried out based on individuals’ moods and emotions rather than rules and standard operating procedures. You can’t depend on law enforcement to protect you, or a problem to be dealt with in a fair and reasonable way, or even to be able to find something as basic as contact solution after being sent on a wild goose chase around the city for hours by people who don’t understand what you’re describing. There is no consistency, no guarantees. It can be frustrating when you’re used to predictability, so you label this foreign land as irrational and chaotic and dangerous. But for the locals, it’s all they know—and it makes perfect sense. Hundreds of motorbikes and taxis and buses and pedestrians converging into one intersection in every direction, inches from colliding yet somehow, seamlessly blending without incident as if orchestrated by some greater force. Motorcycles drive on sidewalks past newborns in baskets and even through retail stores (this actually happened). Families of four with infants are piled on motorbikes, no helmets, driven by teenagers, cutting in front of semi trucks filled with loose metal objects or bird cages or cattle and if this were to happen anywhere in America, we’d be horrified and call them unfit parents… but this is normal life here. We are all doing the best we can, the only way we know how. You can enter this foreign soil and maintain your stance, convinced it’s the only proper way to think and live, but life becomes much richer when you let go of what you’ve been conditioned to and see the world through new eyes.
Some readers have skipped over or chosen to ignore my posts prior to this, focusing only on the partying and dangerous situations and creating a storyline in their mind that does not exist. Please keep in mind that you’re reading a small snippet of what I choose to share, and reality goes far beyond what you see on the screen.
There have been speculations on patterns in my posting, shifts in tone, even changes in the types of pictures I’m posting. People have connected dots that I’m not even aware of—they don’t exist in my reality. It’s interesting and sometimes entertaining to read and I can understand why it happens… it’s human nature, no fault of our own.
I’ve learned that there is no right or wrong in life—only actions and consequences. Every action is a risk in a sense, with varying degrees of consequences. The actions I’ve taken have all been calculated risks, and I’ve been willing to accept the consequences before going in. Yes, I have been lucky so far, managing to avoid any permanent or seriously damaging consequences. But I know they still exist, and I will continue to balance these risks with the experiences I want to have and the life I want to live, always keeping in mind how it will affect my friends and family. It’s a fine line sometimes, and all I can do is rely on that inner voice to guide me.
We all have preconceived notions of places and situations we could potentially find ourselves in. We all have a plan, or at least an idea of how we’d react and the decisions we’d make. The truth is, reality is far more complicated once you’re in it. Even if you’ve never been in the exact same situation, place and time as someone else, we all have different backgrounds and factors influencing our thoughts and actions. It’s very easy to judge based on your own personal beliefs but it’s also easy to forget that we’re all making decisions we feel is right for us personally in every moment, and my decision may not look like yours—nor should it. I wish there was a way to bring you into this journey with me in the physical and mental realm—to be in my shoes and live in these moments. If only that was possible—then you would truly understand, and the judgment would no longer be there. Instead, it’s my responsibility to bring you as close as I can with my words and images. Clearly I have to work on that some more, but I hope this post is a start.
For the majority of you who have expressed concern for my safety in kinder words, I really do appreciate you taking the time to comment because it means that there are people out there who care—complete strangers that I’ve managed to connect with enough that they care about the well being of someone whose existence has no affect on them or their lives personally… but that means it does have an affect. Because we are all connected, and I’d love for nothing more than to strengthen and expand that connection to as many people as possible. It’s a domino effect—one positive thought or action can be enough to change someone’s life, and one life has the potential to change the world. As sappy as that sounds, it’s the truth.
I have no idea what the future of this blog will look like, or my own life for that matter. I will continue to document and post as long as I see a benefit, and it remains enjoyable and not forced. I’ve been keeping a separate journal of stories that can’t be published for various reasons… perhaps someday I’ll combine them all into a memoir to be published before I die. I think it would be a pretty interesting read…
All I’m certain of is that reality is anything you want it to be—and for me, right now it’s a crazy, beautiful, and wonder filled life. I often worry that my best days are behind me, that it can’t possibly get any better and that I’ll spend the rest of my life wishing I could go back and relive it all. But I think I’m finally learning to let go and trust the timing of my life. Even after 9 weeks, each day is filled with blissful “am I dreaming?” moments of pure happiness—but I know that it’s all temporary. Lasting happiness can only come from within. I’m not quite there yet but I must be on the right path. One day, one moment at a time.
Thank you again for dedicating part of your valuable time to follow my story. I’m thankful to be alive and a small presence in anyone’s life, and will continue to do my best to make it worthwhile.
Goodnight from Cambodia,
Christine says
Beautiful post…I love following along on your journey wherever it may lead☺️
Lauren says
Thanks for your reply and for elaborating on those points. On your last point – that’s the inherent pitfall of travel! It’s addictive for sure!!
As well, I read your follow up to this post and just wanted to say that, as a reader, it’s refreshing to read about your resolve to being open-minded to criticism and not being defensive. I’m not a blogger, but I can imagine anonymous criticism can be difficult. However, I see this all the time on blogs – the blogger doesn’t agree with a comment, so the commenter is a “hater” and their remarks are dismissed, no matter how valid or constructive they might be. Not something I enjoy seeing as a reader, so kudos to you for acknowledging the issue and wanting to dispel it!
jennasuedesign says
Thanks Lauren 😉
Lauren says
I find this post both intriguing and somewhat annoying. I’ve been following your posts so far because I am a travel junkie and you take beautiful photos. I am the same age as you and have traveled extensively in my life, to the same areas you’re currently in, plus others in different parts of the world. I’ve spent time in third world countries since I was a child. I like to travel off the beaten path as well.
The intriguing part is how you mention there were “harsh comments” left on the last post. I went over to see what kinds of things people were saying and didn’t see much of anything that I’d personally describe as “harsh”. They all mostly just expressed concern over your well being. What’s harsh about that? Just the idea that people are judging your decisions when they’re not in your shoes? I can understand feeling aggravated that people are worrying when you feel you’re safe. But why not just let it roll of your back instead of ranting? They’re different people, they’re not in your shoes, so who cares? Just appreciate that people care.
The annoying part is your verbose proclamation here that radiates an attitude of how worldly and culturally open you are now that you’ve finally been exposed to life outside the U.S., which all those “harsh” commenters couldn’t possibly relate to because they likely only travel in their own safety net. I realize this is how a lot of Americans actually do travel – closed off and safely within the comfort zone of their resort, but some of the comments actually came from people with experience who were well-traveled.
It seems like this is your first real exposure to life outside the US. It’s awesome that you’re making an effort to be open and step outside your comfort zone. To me, you come across as kind of naive. “I want to go beyond the surface and assimilate into new cultures, learn from them, live how they live and feel what they feel. To actually understand them” – really? You think you can do this by flitting through town after town, all the while partying in bars with your backpacking band? Think again. You’re experiencing blissful happiness on this unfamiliar journey? Of course you are, you’re on an extended vacation having non-stop new experiences! Get over yourself and your overthinking and just enjoy it lol.
As far as safety goes, being open to different experiences and trusting your intuition is good, but so is using common sense.
jennasuedesign says
Hi Lauren, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. To clarify on the harsh comments statement, I was referring more to the way things were worded rather than the sentiment behind it. Some were just a bit unnecessary I thought. But I do understand people’s concern, especially when they weren’t there and could only judge based on what was written. It makes sense.
Re: your third paragraph, I wasn’t making that connection or speaking directly to those commenters. I don’t know their personal experiences, nor anyone who comments here for that matter. I apologize if it came off that way.
I realize I’m moving through places quickly and can only learn and do so much within that time. Understanding new cultures is not the only reason I’m here, I fully admit that. I’m just taking any opportunity I can while also living for myself and doing what makes me happy. It’s a balancing act, and I’m doing the best I can.
You’re right on about the blissful happiness stemming from new experiences… It scares me to think of what will happen when I’m back home and this is all just a memory. I hope I can take at least some part of this feeling with me and hold onto it. Otherwise I guess I’m stuck traveling forever 🙂 but that’s a new post for another time…
Brooke says
You seem like a smart and capable woman – yes you were probably in danger but your quick actions and abilities got you out of it, that’s the important part. There’s danger everywhere, even in the U.S. , and predicting it is not a luxury anyone is offered. We are sheltered here in America, and I think it’s a hard thing for most people to fathom that in third world countries, you simply need to be quicker on your feet. I found this out too going to Nicaragua and not staying on the resorts. Yes, you are more of a target being both non-native and a woman, but trusting your instincts and physical strength is all anyone can do to survive no matter where you are.
Also, the prints looked amazing at my wedding and they added that special touch! Thanks so much. I’m hanging them up in our bedroom as a reminder of our wedding day.
Cheers!
Rachel says
Hi Jenna!
I thought, in the midst of some of the negative comments on your last post, that you might like to know I just discovered your blog. I happened to jump on as you were posting the boys room makeover, which was like 4 posts before you let the world in on the shift in your personal life and your plan to travel to SEA. Ever since your first post in Thailand I have found myself anticipating your next journal entry. Your photos are beautiful and the details you provide throughout your journey have been eye-opening. My husband and I enjoy traveling and pushing the limits. We went to Istanbul on our honeymoon and everyone around us thought we were crazy. I’ve always found the most real travel advice through trip-advisor forums and travel blogs. What’s crazy is that you totally put a bug in my ear and I started dropping some hints to my husband that I think our next trip should be to SEA. I mentioned to him that I was enjoying your posts and suggested he read a few. A couple mornings later (about a month ago) he woke me up and announced that he had booked us a roundtrip flight into Bangkok and out of Siem Reap. I really wanted you to know that it’s because of your posts. So please don’t stop. I haven’t been reading long enough to feel like I know you personally, but I can say that through your posts I feel like I’m there with you. Our lives are by no means parallel, but I have some obstacles that I’m struggling to overcome and I truly feel that I rely too much on my comfort zone. I thrive when I travel because I push my personal limits. It’s invigorating and while sometimes dangerous, my husband constantly reminds me that I can’t live my life missing out on adventure in fear of the unknown. I go into new situations with an open-mind but I know myself, and that guard isn’t going anywhere. It’s just a matter of trust in yourself. So thank you for writing so eloquently and letting the rest of the world in on your adventure, the ups and the downs. Too many bloggers just portray a fru-fru life of ice cream cones and kids in pumpkin patches. Your journey inspired us. We’re leaving for Thailand in three weeks (Nov 10th) and we’ll be in Cambodia for the second half of our trip and now that you’re there , I need to hear more! Please keep writing 🙂
jennasuedesign says
Ahhh I love this story! So glad I could be the catalyst for that trip and major props to him for taking initiative to just book it! You’ll absolutely love it here, and I hope it is life changing for you in all the right ways. I’ll be in Siem Reap next week and then back to Bangkok. I hope you can experience some of the same things I have while here… I think it will all start to make sense. Safe travels!
Lynn says
So to sum it up, what everybody is saying is when we read about her knowingly and willfully putting herself in danger for the sake of truly experiencing the culture, we should NOT say anything if it will be considered negative, and we need to stop being judgemental, jealous, and ridiculous Americans, because she’s a grown woman on an adventure of a lifetime, and we should just wait and see if she posts another installment to let us know she survived? Duly noted! Did I miss anything?
Pam says
You got it, Lynne If you dont have have anything nice to say don’t say it all. Responding negatively after you know she is safe, and she’s reflecting on her decisions and situation, provides no value. This is her journey and if you don’t like her decisions, carry on.
Kristen says
I have never commented before on your blog, but I have been following you for quite some time and have loved every post. However, in full disclosure, I was bummed when your blog and life took a different turn and I had to adjust to not seeing your beautiful home and projects anymore. And doesn’t that sound ridiculous? I was more focused on the superficial and ignoring the possibility that you had a voice for real issues and struggles that had been there all along. Frankly, I look forward to reading about your adventures and mishaps in Southeast Asia, it is so refreshing that you are honest, candid and vulnerable in your writing, when so many others have a voice, but just not an authentic one. I am sure that the negativity doesn’t just roll off your shoulders easily, however “the strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about.”
Sherri says
I’m sorry that there are a few that have to be judgmental and think they know how people should live their lives. Blogland can get bizarre. When YHL decided to quit their blog, who could blame them? They had some harsh criticism, and they decided it was time to end it. MOST of us who commented only expressed sincere concern for your safety and to be cautious because we like you and have enjoyed following along. We didn’t want anything to happen to our Jenna Sue!! So please don’t let a few spoil the adventure for the rest of us. Believe me, there were days in my past where I partied too hard and didn’t always make the best choices. You had a few scary incidents and learned from them. You weren’t being an over-the-top party animal, you were just having a good time. And most of the time, you had a friend who was with you when problems did arise. So try to shake it off and move forward. I haven’t been to that many places, so I am learning about cultures and experiences that I find interesting and that will probably not happen in my lifetime. We all grow and develop in different ways. That’s a good thing in my eyes. How wonderful that we have the freedom to do so. Keep taking those amazing pictures and telling us your story! Take care, continue to live in a way that enriches your spirit, and bring us along for the ride!!
Janet says
Dear Jenna,
If you are ever in a situation that needs assistance beyond your own ability, please remember that the power of prayer really works. I know this is true and Grandma Louise knows this is true. I am glad to hear that you are going with your gut feeling.
Many times that gut feeling is the Holy Ghost/Holy Spirit.
So many people are enjoying your writing…….and wow there is even more you cannot write—how intriguing!!
I pray for your continued enjoyment and safty.
Love you Sweet Girl.
Aunt Janet
Gloria says
I’ve followed little snippets of your journey, missed the hoopla about the last one, but simply wanted to chime in about how much I love Cambodia. I’ve done a fair amount of traveling and none of the places quite captured my heart like Cambodia. Enjoy it extra for me as I’m sitting at my office desk!
You’re so right about the motorbikes too. Just a way of life. I’ve seen a family of 5 on one and another one carrying three adults with one HOLDING AN I.V. BAG for the guy in the middle. Completely different pace of life and standards, but life nonetheless.